Iceaster

Perhaps you have been constantly living under the fire from your loved ones and friends for my childish behaviour and kiddo tone. But do you have any idea the impact it has on me whenever this topic is being brought up each time?

I have asked myself many times before why I acted that way whenever I am with your loved ones or friends. Till now, I could not find an reasonable answer to it. Perhaps I am just not comfortable with them. I always feel that I have the obligations to please them which is something I detest. Thus, I will subconsciously react the opposite. I m never a PR pro and doubt will ever become one.

I just don’t understand why people only look at outer appearance and place verdict on that factor solely. And in relationship, why must we constantly take into account what others think of us? Which in return, cause the couple to have tiffs. Does it make those people feel happier since they get what they hope to witness?

It is most likely going to be a sleepless night for me. Know that your birthday is round the corner but this incident will most likely going to dampen both our mood. It will definitely deter me from meeting up with your family and friends.

I really don’t like to make comparisons but at this rate we are going, I just don’t feel that I am receiving the right amount of recognition I have been trying to achieve from your loved ones and friends. Most importantly, the recognition and protection from you.

I know tiffs are not good and been trying my best to cut it down. But this issue is one of the persistent issues which have been plaguing our relationship. At times, I am really emotionally weary but still has to put up a false font by trying my best not to step into others’ mines and be as nice as possible to them. It is getting far too much for me to bear. If I am on a verge of having a mental breakdown, this is definitely one of the contributing factors.

I know you will defintely be unhappy when you saw me post this blog up. In the first place, you never see the need for me to blog. You always feel that such stuff should be private, but I beg to differ. This is one channel which I can ‘vent’ out my unhappiness.

Blue Monday is the more common term but for me, it’s a blue Thursday in the department today. What make it worse is that I started the day on a grumpy note even before I stepped into the office. Whatever took place in the office today make my mood even worse.

Now, here I am typing while nursing a bad stomache and experiencing dizzy spell again. I just hate whatever I am going through and the fact that my superior might not approve my whole day leave for medical checkup. She expects me to work in the morning and leave on the spot and make it on just on time for the appointment,but such arrangement whereby things are done in a rush is just not me.

As for my love life, I am getting more and more blur and confused. The more I think or cast it outside, the worse it becomes. Sigh~

Time passes without us realizing it. Now, it’s already the 3rd quarter of the year…can’t wait for National Day to come (PH no need to work) and X’mas (signify the end of the year).

The 1st week at new workplace seems relatively manageable. However, there’re many things I will need to acquire in order to survive at this place for at least 1 year (my target for my career planning). What I observed and experienced so far at this workplace is that when your immediate superior is not around, other department head(s) will take the chance to play tactics with you; whilst experienced old staff will try to rule over your head even when your designation is higher than theirs and they are supposed to work as a team with you. Lol~ we shall see what happen…me still learning the art of pleasing and taiji.

At least at this new workplace, I have the urge to stock things like tibits and tissue papers. At the previous workplace, I was practically dragging my feet and cannot be bothered with all these. Yes, I still feel tired after a day of work at this new workplace but it is not as energy draining as compared to the previous workplace. Just one bad point about my seat, I am directly under the air conditioner. I want to shift to another work station but in my department, there is no more vacant work station. So I can only bear the cold air which makes me hungry easily and I will shiver alot. Big coat(s) don’t help much and hot water turns cold easily and I am sharing electric power plug with others. But all these negative points are still bearable. Well, it is still early to make any judgment. Will do a short summary as days accumulate at this new workplace.

I just hope that things will slowly turn for the better before the year ends. That’s all, folks. Will try to post blog whenever I am free to do so. Cheers and take care.

I guess I must be really dumb. Got myself in a job whereby I could be better off somewhere else. Then when I got shortlisted for a position whereby I quoted them a salary which is $300 lesser than what I expected more. Ain’t I a stupid person, don’t how I survived for the past 27 years plus.

Whenever I want support from my loved ones, majority of the time what I get in return are cold blanket thrown at me. But it makes me so confusing: one end they are throwing cold water onto me, the other end they will comfort me with words like they will support me all the way. Which should I believe?

Each day I am like dragging my feet to work and it’s battle at work. Not taking the bitchiness involved, sigh~ what did I land myself in. So tired physically and mentally. Why did I choose such life?Can’t life be simple…I forgot…Singapore is a fine city cum paper and experience chasing country.

I thought that my first official job after I complete my 2nd degree will be a better one but I was too naive.

I have been struggling for nearly one month since I started out in this job in April. Yes, for every job I have been in so far, I have endless work grievances. However, I feel so inferior, useless and what a dummy I am in this job. I used the term ‘ weakest link in the team’ to describe myself in hope of adjusting the imbalance within me and to comfort myself but somehow as the day goes by, I realized that I am so vulnerable and naive. I did not know how to utilize the pay bargaining power when negotiating for this job’s pay. Within this team which is as new as I am, I am the lowest paid employee though highest in paper qualification wise. Thus, what’s the use of higher education when one still loses out so much in all areas of needs?

Furthermore, whatever the number the cases the team cannot achieve, the superiors will just order me to take up the responsibility of meeting the target set so that all our rice bowls are safe and sound. At least till now there is some comfort as one of my team members is helping me as she has witnessed me struggling and understand what I am going through as she has been through it too. As for the rest, I cannot feel that they are sincere in contributing. This world is so scary~ really hard to differentiate who is kind and who is evil.

I know that this job is a slow killer. I have been working 25 hours daily without fail, even on weekends(been dragging that heavy laptop home everyday after work, so that I can continue working at home) while most of my team members are still enjoying their life.

My eyes bags are getting deeper (which I never had for the past 27 years of my life), I have not had a peaceful sleep since I started this job and my weak immune system is going on strikes of late. Worst of all, I have been venting anger on practically anything that gets on my nerve, especially my loves ones…they have to endure my nonsenses.

Now most of you must be thinking, this is just peanuts and here I am throwing my grievances. To many, I am a spolit brat who cannot endure hardships. Perhaps you’re right but you might be wrong as well.

I had enough of those comforting words…like you can do it, believe in yourself and just persevere on; your superiors will recognize and appreciate your hard works. All these are rubbish, what I witnessed now are favourism and plagiarism of my work. I realized that nothing is fair in this world. One must learn to be a fighter, only then one will be strong and able to fight for his/her rights. Looks play an important part and the art of cunning too. I lack in all these….neither do I have the looks nor the cunningness.

Why am I eating the humble pie? Just becoz I was a job hopper and I work for money, I will not be able to crave something big in life? Then isn’t it akin to a criminal who is released from prison and has repented but no one gives him/her a chance ever again. Then is it a social problem that has been kept under wraps and always been displaying a wrong image to everyone that the society is a forgiving one as long as one repents.

Pure bullshit…don’t be naive…be strong and fight back…wake up…u this stupid and naive monkey…how long do you want to remain in this deep sleep? Where are your aspirations and the fighting spirit in you???

Been ages since I last post a blog here. Finally completed my 2nd degree and the results are out. I have cleared all the modules.

Found a job which I thought will be a good starting ground for me but it turned out that I am turning more like a sales personnel cum PA. For those who have know me for long, I detest sales job, I am more a desk bound kind…more admin oriented. Sigh…maybe I am too picky. But why my worklife is so unlucky…my peers have a better luck than me in this area. What’s more is that I am far underpaid than any of the fresh grads out there but doing lots more of shit stuff than them. Guess looks play a great part, so does communication, bargaining and body language and work experience contribute to it as well.

As usual, the grievances I am pouring here as this is one of the venting channel I have. Sorry people…just bear with me. Sometimes, I really feel that I am a failure in life…nothing accomplish at my age, what’s the use of a double degree?

Thought this is the kind of life which almost everyone will yearn for but for me, after one month of slacking around, I am starting to get bored. No school and work too, sigh~ Well, guess this is reality. When one works and studies, she or he will complain non-stop. However when she or he gets to rest too much, the complaints start again. Haha~ so irony.

Was watching the Korean drama serial, “Lovers in Paris” until epsiode 6 before I realised that have to register to continue watching the rest of the epsiodes. I am a couch potato, so didn’t do it.

Just got a sudden urge to post a blog here, so here I am, typing aimlessly. Haha~ Lots of things I wanted to type out in here initially but don’t know why my mind seems to be in a blank now.

Therefore, shall stop here before I become long-winded again. Shall continue with my knitting which never seems to get me anywhere, my job search n etc…

Take care, my dear friends!

It is the 1st blog of the year but my mood isn’t that chirpy. Work is forever busy but that isn’t the main thing which is bothering me. Maybe is my incomplete essays but I really don’t know what is required of me for these essays. Sigh…

What keeps couple together and especially those that is so lasting? I really wish to know. I have been the noisy and chatty one till at some point of time, I will question myself why I am doing such irritating thing. I only know how to envy others but don’t know how to take some ideas from theirs to improve mine. Yes…negative tots are starting to ‘attack’ me when it is just 2nd day of a brand new year.

I have lots of things on my resolution list but somehow I got a gut feeling that most likely I might not be able to complete any, thus no point listing them out.

Shall stop short here. Nites everyone~

Maybe it is due to the hilarious weather, lack of sleep and anxiousness which have accumulated over the past week which caused me to experience small episodes tonight whereby I feel my heart area was so tight and got difficulty breathing during those periods. Worse, it happened during my night class but I acted nonchalantly so has not to freak my classmates and tutor out. Well, I am quite used to it as I have experienced this previously and did informed my doctor about it before. That is why she keeps keeping me if I have asthma. But whenever such incident happens, I just need to calm myself down and smoothen my breathing and it will be okay again.

Vexing over other matters might have triggered it to occur again. Well, by right I should be relieved as I am done with all those group presentations and mid-term exam today but somehow I ain’t. There are 3 major essays which I need to complete a.s.a.p.. If not, I know that I will not meet the deadlines for all for them. I want to pass all my remaining modules and graduate. I have extended my stay in the school due to under-performance. I cannot wait to get out of it.

Have been doing some reflections and been trying to ask myself what have I achieved this year since the year is ending soon. To my own horror, it seems that I have not accomplished anything which I am proud of. Instead, it seems that my possession has blown out of proportion and I get jittery and threw tantrums sometimes for no reason. I am ‘curbing’ myself and the more I do so, the worse I will feel. Sigh…hopefully, I do not need to check myself into the clinic earlier than expected.

Perhaps I am approaching the middle adulthood phase, but I am still lost as ever. But really noticed that friends do grow apart and if I becoming more and more possessive towards my love ones, I am driving everyone around me crazy before I become crazy myself as I am restricting everyone with my ‘unreasonable orders’.  I left a comment on my friend’s blog that I envied her relationship with her boyfriend which seems to grow stronger and stronger each day and they are so comfortable and enjoy each other’s company. She replied in such an encouraging way - that I will find ‘the way’ of compromising, promises and happiness eventually. However, i am really doubting especially of late.

Ok, time for bed though I think I will not sleep well due thanks to those heart episodes I have been through earlier. Thanks to those who take time to read this blog as you’re taking time to ‘listen’ to my grievances.

Kudos~

The necklace I have been yearning for is finally here, it is limited and I thought I won’t have it in my collection. I was delighted when my boyfriend got it for me but he kept it a secret till it finally arrives. But I am so scatter brain, nearly ‘lost’ it. When I realise that it is ‘missing’, just a few hours ater receiving it, I was close to tears and find it hard going to sleep. Thank goodness, I left it at my boyfriend’s house.I retrieve it back the very next day. You guys can have a view of it as I have set the picture as my primary photo now.